Coping with Death and Grief

Rei

Rei

Well-Known Member
Sep 11, 2013
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I'm just curious if anyone has experience with the death of a family member? I have never lost a close friend or family member before but less than 40 hours ago, my youngest sister died and she was only 26. I tried to be strong during the day to keep my family together but I'm falling apart at night. I tried to play Halo 4 and Call of Duty earlier to stop thinking but it hit me harder remembering how much time I spent with her on Halo Ce, Halo2, PSO & SSF4. All of a sudden my excitement for the next Xbox, getting a new home, and everything about life has dropped...I just don't know how to carry on knowing that she won't be part of my life anymore.

srry didn't know where to share my feelings but thanks for reading.
 
It is a hard process for sure. I have only lost one close family member but for me the best grief process was getting together with family and talking about the good things we remembered. I am sorry to hear about your loss.
 
I've lost both my parents and my dog (whose loss actually hit me the hardest).

Just allow yourself to have whatever feelings you're going to have. Don't feel weird about it or suppress it. The sadness is testament to how much she meant to you. You'll have to go through a period of grief, which comes in waves. It's natural. It takes a while. Gradually, you'll put it in perspective. If you have a spiritual belief system, that can help a lot (e.g, beliefs about life after death, praying for or to them, etc). Try to talk with your family about how you're feeling. Don't feel like you have to "be strong." I don't think that helps much, and it just makes it harder for people to talk if they want to ... of course, some family members might not want to talk about it, they may be too overwhelmed.

26 is young. That's going to be hard for a family to deal with. Especially parents, I would imagine.
 
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My condolences. That's truly terrible.
I don't think there is much rationality in our suffering over loss. We feel pain all our daily lives, but suffering is something we get when something is taken away from us. An idea of how something should be. The mind cannot accept it. It's too hard.
When my uncle drank himself to death, the only thing to think was that none of us decide how long people in our lives should linger. I tried to tell myself that it would be selfish of me to expect everyone close to me to always be there. I told myself that in reality the thing I should focus on is just treasuring the people I have and remember, that remembering those that are gone are always there with me. The memories will always be there. Everything they did, said and stood for is still there even though it's gone.
Thinking about it like this was a big comfort for myself. Suddenly it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulder. I was still depressed for a long time, but that was okay. It just meant I was human.


OP, may I ask how she died? Was it unexpected or had she been sick for a while?
One of my best friends mom had cancer for over ten years, and when she finally died she became so devastated by guilt. She had actually wished that her mom would die. Because she couldn't take the endless relapses. So when her mother died she felt a tremendous guilt.
I felt so sad for her. It's so understandable, yet it's such a terrible thought to have.
 
I try to think that the person lived well and had good times. If a person lived well, it's something I kind of mentally salute and think "well done." and raise a drink to the memory of them.

The other odd part is the human shaped hole they leave in the world. You see their name in the phone index or your cell phone paired with the old feeling of them being just a few digits away. That by itself can be kind of a mindfvck on top of other mixed feelings your experiencing.
 
As hard as it is, try to celebrate their life. How they lived, the good times, hell even the bad. It's a hard process that will undoubtedly take time to heal. Especially with a sibling.
 
I hope all my dead family members aren't with me..at least not all the time. Some things they just shouldn't have to witness.

I've lost a few. It's hard.

Ain't no getting away from it.

Sorry for your loss.
 
My condolences. I lost my father when I was 23,my mother when I was 28. My big brother came close to dying in a car accident a few years ago. The process of being on the verge of losing a loved one is Hell itself.
 
Fish food said:
OP, may I ask how she died? Was it unexpected or had she been sick for a while?
One of my best friends mom had cancer for over ten years, and when she finally died she became so devastated by guilt. She had actually wished that her mom would die. Because she couldn't take the endless relapses. So when her mother died she felt a tremendous guilt.
I felt so sad for her. It's so understandable, yet it's such a terrible thought to have.
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Her body hasn't been released yet but I heard from her family that she died after her son's birthday party at her house. From what I know, she choked on her vomit during her sleep and died. It was difficult telling my parents because they are very old (62 and 73). The worst part was leaving her 5yo son behind. He was really attached to her and we'll have to come up with a story for him. She loved children and all the kids will miss her a lot.

It was difficult looking for her funeral picture last night since most of the pictures in her life were taken by me.

2w7hk45.jpg


I've never felt so blank waking up in the morning before but I did today. Hopefully the family gathering today will be helpful.
 
Sorry about this, Rei. It's not easy, especially if you've never gone through it before. It's going to take time. It's going too feel awful for a while. It should. That shows how much she meant to you. As time passes it will get better. The sorrow for the loss will be replaced by memories of the great times. There's no words that anybody can say that will make it any easier. Talking about it and being social with family and friends, and even here, is the best thing you can do to help curb some of the feelings you have.

Take care and let the community know if there's anything we can do for you. We're here to support you.
 
The best advice I can give is to not try to hold your feelings in. There is a time for grieving and this is it, don't feel like you have to hide anything. Also, be with your family, you're not going through this alone. I'm very sorry for you she is so young, only 3 years older than me. My condolences.
 
Sorry for your loss Rei. My Dad passed away unexpectedly this past Christmas, easily the worst couple of days of my life. The best advice I can give is to not hold it in, talk about your sister, and there will be no shortage of people who will want to. I found the more I talked about my father, and listened, the more cathartic it became.
 
Rei said:
From what I know, she choked on her vomit during her sleep and died.
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Hope that's not alcohol or drugs. It can make the whole thing harder to deal with.
 
Rei said:
I'm just curious if anyone has experience with the death of a family member? I have never lost a close friend or family member before but less than 40 hours ago, my youngest sister died and she was only 26. I tried to be strong during the day to keep my family together but I'm falling apart at night. I tried to play Halo 4 and Call of Duty earlier to stop thinking but it hit me harder remembering how much time I spent with her on Halo Ce, Halo2, PSO & SSF4. All of a sudden my excitement for the next Xbox, getting a new home, and everything about life has dropped...I just don't know how to carry on knowing that she won't be part of my life anymore.

srry didn't know where to share my feelings but thanks for reading.
Click to expand...

I'm sorry for your loss, 26 is way too young to go :(
 
Hey guys, I appreciate all the comments on here, which were all very helpful in coping with this new experience. The family gathering was much more helpful than I thought -- lots of great memories shared and many laughs. It's still tough when I'm alone but I'm hanging there. I'm just glad that I've spent over 20 years of my life with her and all those great memories will keep me refreshed for the remaining of my life time.

Sorry if it was a bit awkward sharing this topic on here but it was more comfortable posting on message board than Facebook and having friends only asking how my parents coping.
 
Rei said:
I'm just curious if anyone has experience with the death of a family member? I have never lost a close friend or family member before but less than 40 hours ago, my youngest sister died and she was only 26. I tried to be strong during the day to keep my family together but I'm falling apart at night. I tried to play Halo 4 and Call of Duty earlier to stop thinking but it hit me harder remembering how much time I spent with her on Halo Ce, Halo2, PSO & SSF4. All of a sudden my excitement for the next Xbox, getting a new home, and everything about life has dropped...I just don't know how to carry on knowing that she won't be part of my life anymore.

srry didn't know where to share my feelings but thanks for reading.
Click to expand...

I have lost a best friend a few years back and watching that persons family and friends go through pain is an unbearable thing to witness. His sister and I all had to come to his moms house before the funeral and talk to a grief cunsler were she called us victims because of his choice. When I look back on it I believe he killed him self as a selfless act for his kid and his baby on the way at the time. He was invlved in a huge pileup dui and his girl was fired for trying a background check Bama.
 
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Sorry for your loss, Rei. I loss my Mom a year and 1/2 ago. Her birthday is actually next week.

Sometimes, I don't even think about it because part of me still thinks she's working and I normally didn't talk much to her during the week. Weekends are a little tougher and so are the holidays. I know it's especially rough for my Dad. I try to be there for him, but when I'm working and he's retired; it's tough.

Everyone here gave great responses. It's not going to be easy, but time will help a little. These sorts of things aren't fair.

The best thing you could do for your sister is live your life to the fullest with her in your mind and heart. I'm sure that's what she would have wanted.
 
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