I believe 'fat chance' must be sarcasm implying that there is a very slim chance of something happening.
The random thoughts thread!
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I believe 'fat chance' must be sarcasm implying that there is a very slim chance of something happening.
I put Vaseline petroleum jelly on my butt crack tonight cause it was sore from working all day with some serious Swass.
It felt really gay but so much better.
It felt really gay but so much better.
Chaffed a little from walking all day with a sweaty buttcrack? Yup, Ive been there, and its literally a pain in the ass. Gold Bonds powder and vasoline are pretty much the best comfort you are going to get, no need to feel gay.
I take it the process of application was well-practiced to the point of being second nature.
They just showed a video of an explosion in the distance the plane hitting. Also shots coming in of the wreckage.
Why do politicians feel the need to endorse their own campaign ads? Like no s***. You paid these fools to say nice things about you.
Man just type one thing. Then just keep hitting related search. It's a lot faster.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what *really* throws you into a panic.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
Some good ones here too-
http://www.great-quotes.com/quotes/author/Jack/Handey
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what *really* throws you into a panic.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
Some good ones here too-
http://www.great-quotes.com/quotes/author/Jack/Handey
Just had my dog spayed and the head cone she has to wear looks hilarious.
I've nicknamed her Waffle cone.
I've nicknamed her Waffle cone.
More Jack Handey quotes-
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.
If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did.".
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby.".
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw f*** you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.
If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did.".
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby.".
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw f*** you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
Also does anyone else have an extreme hatred for Epic Rap Battles of History like I do? I can just look the pictures on YouTube and cringe.
One more random thought for the night. The Nintendo Forum is D E A D.
I was the last one to post in there. And that was on Thursday.
I was the last one to post in there. And that was on Thursday.
Even more Jack Handey-
Consider the daffodil And while you're doing that I'll be over here looking through your stuff
I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver And since he's so busy you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.
If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it we should say we were just kidding that this isn't really our civilization but a gag we hoped they would like Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our REAL civilization After that we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization Either that or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving good-bye.
If you go parachuting and your parachute doesn't open and your friends are all watching you fall I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle and the next minute you're just driving real fast swerving back and forth across the road.
Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut people around the world all want the same thing a better house.
Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock like I did once because the faster you go the later you think you are.
Even though he was an enemy of mine I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy First he punched me then he kicked me then he punched me again.
I can picture in my mind a world without war a world without hate And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike vicious people because I bet a lot of high schools would pick 'Americans' as their mascot.
I remember how in college I got that part-time job as a circus clown and how the children would laugh and laugh at me I vowed then and there that I would get revenge.
I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex He sort of smiled and said 'Maybe instead of telling you what sex is why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you ' So we did and there on the ground were my parents having sex.
I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do When I met the family from Japan they all bowed I pretended like I was going to bow but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back I did this five times I think they got the point.
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake and then maybe he's flying along low to the ground and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground Now that's a documentary.
I'm telling you just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF Is anyone listening to me?
If the Vikings were around today they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have and how we take so much of it for granted.
If you wear a toupee why not let your friends try it on for a while Come on we're not going to hurt it.
It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
The face of a child can say it all especially the mouth part of the face.
Consider the daffodil And while you're doing that I'll be over here looking through your stuff
I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver And since he's so busy you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.
If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it we should say we were just kidding that this isn't really our civilization but a gag we hoped they would like Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our REAL civilization After that we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization Either that or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving good-bye.
If you go parachuting and your parachute doesn't open and your friends are all watching you fall I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle and the next minute you're just driving real fast swerving back and forth across the road.
Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut people around the world all want the same thing a better house.
Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock like I did once because the faster you go the later you think you are.
Even though he was an enemy of mine I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy First he punched me then he kicked me then he punched me again.
I can picture in my mind a world without war a world without hate And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike vicious people because I bet a lot of high schools would pick 'Americans' as their mascot.
I remember how in college I got that part-time job as a circus clown and how the children would laugh and laugh at me I vowed then and there that I would get revenge.
I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex He sort of smiled and said 'Maybe instead of telling you what sex is why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you ' So we did and there on the ground were my parents having sex.
I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do When I met the family from Japan they all bowed I pretended like I was going to bow but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back I did this five times I think they got the point.
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake and then maybe he's flying along low to the ground and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground Now that's a documentary.
I'm telling you just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF Is anyone listening to me?
If the Vikings were around today they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have and how we take so much of it for granted.
If you wear a toupee why not let your friends try it on for a while Come on we're not going to hurt it.
It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
The face of a child can say it all especially the mouth part of the face.
I had a pretty haunting dream last night that woke me up and prevented me from falling back asleep.
I lied in my parent's bedroom from their old house many years ago. Jessica and Roger Rabbit walked in. Jessica lied down next to me and I fell in awe over her beauty. Roger, on the other hand, was depressed with his marriage. I consoled him saying Jessica is fantastic woman and he was lucky to have her. Suddenly, he disappeared and I begin admiring Jessica again. I stared at her red sparkling lips and I pulled her in for a kiss. She kissed back. Immediately I began removing her famous red dress. As soon as her breasts came free, they fell completely flat like they belonged to a obese old woman. I didn't think about it, I still stuck her nipple between my lips. I moved further down her body toward her panties and slowly pulled them down. It was then I realized that not only was there a vagina, but the flab of skin that was once a penis. I looked at her with disgust and surprise. Her eyes shot open with anger and she began laughing maniacally.
Then I woke up.
I lied in my parent's bedroom from their old house many years ago. Jessica and Roger Rabbit walked in. Jessica lied down next to me and I fell in awe over her beauty. Roger, on the other hand, was depressed with his marriage. I consoled him saying Jessica is fantastic woman and he was lucky to have her. Suddenly, he disappeared and I begin admiring Jessica again. I stared at her red sparkling lips and I pulled her in for a kiss. She kissed back. Immediately I began removing her famous red dress. As soon as her breasts came free, they fell completely flat like they belonged to a obese old woman. I didn't think about it, I still stuck her nipple between my lips. I moved further down her body toward her panties and slowly pulled them down. It was then I realized that not only was there a vagina, but the flab of skin that was once a penis. I looked at her with disgust and surprise. Her eyes shot open with anger and she began laughing maniacally.
Then I woke up.